ISSUE TWO!
"Trumpeter Matthew Muckey files complaint against NY Philharmonic."
Management said he'd been giving orchestra a bad name.
"SHE TRAVELED EVERY NEW YORK CITY SUBWAY LINE AND PHOTOGRAPHED EVERY FIRST AND LAST STOP."
Became famous for calling this a "good idea."
outlet accidentally airs man's testicles during solar eclipse."
Well, when you gaze upward, you may well see a testicle or two.
"ONE IDENTICAL TWIN WENT VEGAN, THE OTHER DIDN'T. SEE WHAT HAPPENED."
Total harmony, except for the tofu cocktails.
"ANCESTRY DNA KITS ON SALE TODAY. HERE'S WHY THEY'RE SO POPULAR."
"We traced our line back to Adam and Eve! On my Mom’s side."
"PHONE FALLS 16,000 FEET FROM ALASKA AIRLINES FLIGHT. STILL WORKS."
Scores of passengers switch reservations from planes to phones.
"FIVE WAYS TO SPOT A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR."
1. Board Certified in Pathology.
"WHY FEWER PEOPLE ARE CHOOSING TO HAVE KIDS."
Have you ever spent an afternoon with a kid?
"FORMER OBAMA OFFICIAL SPEWED ISLAMOPHOBIC LANGUAGE AT FOOD VENDOR."
Bias became obvious when he yelled, "This kebab isn’t even warm!"
"AUSTRALIAN NUDE BEACH FACES POSSIBLE CLOSURE."
Authorities say too many pleasure-seekers dying of boredom
"EX-TRUMP STAFFER WARNS HOW TRUMP HAS RECENTLY GOTTEN MORE UNHINGED."
Trump tweets back: "Tell me. what have the hinged ever done for our country?”
“IN THE PAST 8 YEARS, THE HOUSTON POLICE DEPARTMENT HAS FAILED TO INVESTIGATE 260,000 INCIDENT REPORTS”
So? They prioritize!
"HERE'S WHAT LED TO ALABAMA'S RULING THAT FROZEN EMBRYOS ARE CHILDREN."
The ceaseless nagging.
"100-YEAR-OLD DIVER PERFORMS DIVE AT 2024 WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS."
Caregiver wins Gold for pushing.
“WELLS FARGO FIRES 25 PEOPLE ACCUSED OF FAKING KEYBOARD STROKES.”
Forensic software found sentences riddled with punctuation.
"TIM COOK IS ON A CHARM OFFENSIVE IN CHINA TO REVIVE FLAGGING IPHONE SALES."
It won't work. Most Asians find his charm offensive.
"DOES TRUMP FULLY GRASP HOW NATO WORKS?"
Of course. Melania read him the brochure.
“ONE OF NAPOLEON'S FAMOUS BLACK HATS SELLS FOR OVER $2 MILLION."
Experts say most of price attributable to cadaver.
"UTAH LEGISLATURE PASSES BILL TO BAN DEI PROGRAMS AT SCHOOLS AND IN GOVERNMENT."
Cited shocking incidents of diversity, often compounded by blatant equity and inclusion.
"ZOO PULLS 70 COINS OUT OF ALLIGATOR'S STOMACH."
Wildlife experts say it’s a croc.
"TROOPERS RESCUE CAMELS AND ZEBRAS FROM TRUCK FIRE ON INDIANA INTERSTATE."
Not a problem. They’d handled this scenario countless times in training.
"ALABAMA MOM IS PREGNANT IN TWO UTERUSES IN AN EXTREMELY RARE CASE."
Her four noses and thirty-five toes make it particularly unusual.
"WHY U.S. DECLINED IN HAPPINESS SURVEY."
A happiness survey every month can put you in a lousy mood.
"WHERE KISSING BEGAN -- AND HOW IT SPREAD ACROSS THE WORLD."
Began in Serbia in 1726. Spread by word of mouth.
"TINY FISH CAN MAKE NOISES LOUDER THAN AN ELEPHANT, SAYS NEW STUDY."
There’s science and there’s claptrap. This report is clapscience.
ISSUE THREE!
'DISGUST' WAS AMONG THE FIRST WORDS DECODED IN 2,000 YEAR OLD CHARRED SCROLL"
Does “disgust” really go back that far? We thought the first use was in 1927, when the “All-You-Can-Eat” diner chain was shut down in Milwaukee.
"ELON MUSK SAYS HE 's HAS NO PLANS TO BUY TIKTOK"
On the other hand, as he’s confessed to his therapist, he does sometimes feel an urge to splurge.
"TRUMP IS MAKING HIMSELF INESCAPABLE"
In a video, Melania insists, “I’m not a hostage,” but she’s holding a sign in Slovenian.
"DANISH PETITION TO BUY CALIFORNIA ATTRACTS HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF SIGNATURES"
Donald has called the petition fake. There simply aren’t that many Danes.
"TRUMP SAYS HE'S INSTRUCTED THE TREASURY TO HALT PENNY PRODUCTION"
"A dumb accountant once told me pennies were the same as money. What a crock! When I tried using one, I couldn't even tip the help."
“MEDICAL SCHOOL DEAN SENT EMAIL TO FACULTY: ‘HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM RESEARCH FRAUD ACCUSATIONS’”
“This isn’t rocket science, dear colleagues. Basically, stop making shit up!”
"TRUMP DESCRIBES GAZA AS A BIG REAL ESTATE SITE"
The rubble’s not a problem. What do you think the river and the sea are for?
"ITALIAN POLICE ARREST AROUND 130 PEOPLE IN MASSIVE MAFIA CRACKDOWN"
The rest of the wedding was real nice
"FATHER CAPTURES MOMENT SON WAS SWALLOWED BY HUMPBACK WHALE"
Not that he panicked. The boy was carrying his cell.
"WE ANALYZED NEARLY 600 HALLMARK CARDS. HERE'S WHAT WE FOUND"
It takes 15 minutes to analyze 350.
“DOCTOR SHARES WHAT WORRIES HIM THE MOST ABOUT RFK LEADING H.H.S."
Kennedy advises folks 18-55: “Solid foods are toxic. So are liquids. Other stuff, be cautious.”
“TRUMP ENTERS NOTRE DAME FOR REOPENING CEREMONY"
The president is moved to tears by this exquisite monument to his first term.
"OCTOPUS SEEN HUNTING WITH FISH AND PUNCHING THEM IF THEY DON'T COOPERATE"
The fish quickly learn their lesson, but the atmosphere in the workplace is never the same.
“SHE LOVED BEER AND ICE CREAM AND LIVED TO 97. DOES LIFESTYLE REALLY MATTER TO LONGEVITY?"
Sure does. She discovered that beer-and-ice-cream suppositories did wonders for her stamina.
“CERTAIN COLLEGE GRADS CAN NOW BE AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS IMMEDIATELY"
”Immediately" takes its place among the most terrifying words in the language.
“MEXICO THREATENS TO SUE GOOGLE OVER NAME CHANGE OF GULF OF MEXICO ON U.S. MAPS”
Trump intervenes with a compromise: “The top half-mile, ‘Gulf of America.’ The rest, all the way to the bottom, ‘Gulf of Mexico.’”
“17-YEAR-OLD FIGURE SKATER WINS INTERNATIONAL COMPETITION WITH CLUTCH ROUTINE”
Defies those who predicted she’d get nowhere on the ice in a Toyota Tercel.
“SCIENTISTS DEVELOPED NEW METHOD FOR THE PERFECT BOILED EGG, AND YOU CAN TEST IT AT HOME”
Simmy Z is looking pensive: “There’s a yolk in here somewhere.”
“TRUMP OFFICIALS FIRED NUCLEAR STAFF NOT REALIZING THEY OVERSEE THE COUNTRY’S WEAPONS STOCKPILE”
Elon Musk’s teenagers fired the nine members of the Supreme Court, too. As one kid explained: “Those freeloaders were just sitting around reading.”
“BABY SEAL FOUND WANDERING ON STREET”
The police solution doesn’t placate residents. “Are they nuts? What does a seal know about a bike lane?”
"WHY DO JAPANESE GOVERNMENT WORKERS KEEP LOSING SENSITIVE DATA WHILE DRUNK?"
A certain headline writer needs her head examined.
"ALABAMA MOM IS PREGNANT IN TWO UTERUSES IN AN EXTREMELY RARE CASE."
Her four noses and thirty-five toes make it particularly unusual.
Began in Serbia in 1726. Spread by word of mouth.
TINY FISH CAN MAKE NOISES LOUDER THAN AN ELEPHANT, SAYS NEW STUDY."
There’s science and there’s claptrap. This report is clapscience.
ISSUE FOUR!
“SCIENTISTS THINK THEY KNOW WHY STONEHENGE WAS REBUILT THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO”
Surely it’s obvious: living without one was an incredible inconvenience.
"A RUSSIAN STATE MEDIA REPORTER GAINED ENTRY TO THE OVAL OFFICE FOR TRUMP/ZELENSKY SITDOWN"
His ID said “Oprah Winfrey.” The Secret Service always lets her through.
"33 TIMES ZELENSKY THANKED AMERICANS AND U.S. LEADERS"
J.D. Vance accuses him of pathological gratitude.
"INFLATION IS EASING, BUT ANOTHER ALARM BELL IS RINGING ABOUT THE U.S ECONOMY"
The wealthiest one percent
“IMPOSTOR SYNDROME ISN’T A PERSONAL FLAW”
“So relax, guy, no one can blame you for being Secretary of Defense!”
“HOW TO OVERCOME FEAR OF FLYING”
Repeat to yourself, quietly: "I'm only feeling this way because of the 40,000 feet
“CITIGROUP MISTAKENLY CREDITED A CUSTOMER ACCOUNT WITH $81 TRILLION”
The true owner of the $81 trillion, Zgyp Kvuhxac, says the bank’s constantly confusing him with the other customer, Jim Phillips.
"THE REASON ECO-CONSCIOUS INDIVIDUALS CHOOSE THIS FUNERAL PLAN"
"You can't just toss out perfectly good ashes. Using them to thicken soups and sauces turns mealtimes into moving celebrations of the life cycle."
“ELON MUSK SEES DEAD PEOPLE”
. . . and gives them three hours to submit their resignations.
“THESE GOATS WILL EAT YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE”
Or, at least, the hornaments.
KAMALA HARRIS RESPONDS TO SARAH HUCiKABEE SANDERS'S COMMENTS ON HER NOT HAVING BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN"
"Sarah, this may shock you, but both of my step-kids are biological.”
“CLOTHED TROUBLEMAKERS ARE BANNED FROM NUDIST BEACHES IN GERMANY”
They used a slew of cunning ploys to pass themselves off as naked.
“WHAT DID KING CHARLES SAY IN HIS LETTER TO DONALD TRUMP?”
As I often told Mummy, I knew you Yanks would eventually bring back the king thing. But, I must confess, I never imagined someone of your type.”
“HYPERREALISTIC PAINTINGS DEPICT WOMEN SUSPENDED IN WATER”
Without realism in art, we’d know nothing about how people actually live.
“BILL MAHER: 'I'M NOT SURE WE'LL EVER SEE ANOTHER ELECTION'"
We will if Donald can sell his monogrammed toothpicks with each vote.
"STRUGGLING WITH TIME MANAGEMENT? HERE’S WHAT YOU CAN DO”
Divide each hour by 60 and get real.
"THE COST OF TRYING TO LIVE FOREVER"
Subscription to “Heads Examined!”: $15m +.
Utilities (after senior discount): $6b +.
Cremation (refund): $250.
“COULD MOUSE SPERM ORBITING EARTH BE THE FUTURE OF HUMANITY?”
Not without some introductions.
“MEDICAL SCHOOL DEAN SENT EMAIL TO FACULTY: ‘HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM RESEARCH FRAUD ACCUSATIONS’”
“Dear, respected colleagues: I think you know how to handle this problem: STOP MAKING SHIT UP!”
NEW REPUBLICAN MEASURE AIMS TO GET SUPREME COURT TO END SAME-SEX MARRIAGE”
Next target: male-female marriage. Right wing implacably opposed to diversity.
"MAN IN HANDCUFFS FLEES COURTHOUSE"
Returns three minutes later. Forgot his keys.
ISSUE FIVE!
“NASA SHOULD BE ABLE TO BRING ITS OWN ASTRONAUTS HOME FROM SPACE”
And the contrary argument?
“WALT DISNEY WORLD HAS RAISED PRICES FOR 2025 TICKETS.”
Mortgages available for qualified kids under 6.
"THE E COLI OUTBREAK LINKED WITH McDONALD'S QUARTER POUNDERS IS EXPECTED TO GROW”
But it's not the burgers. It's the E Coleslaw.
"83,000 VA EMPLOYEES SLATED TO BE FIRED THIS AFTERNOON”
Musk said 10,000 had been underperforming. That was confirmed by the other 73,000.
"LESOTHO INSULTED AFTER TRUMP SAYS NOBODY HAS HEARD OF THE COUNTRY"
A second country was offended when Trump asked an Interviewer, "Is Australia an herb?"
“U.S. MILITARY DOCTOR LIVED IN A CITY BUILT UNDER ICE. DECADES LATER, HE LEARNED ITS SECRET PURPOSE."
To determine shelf life of bok choy in the absence of a civilian refrigerator.
“MICHAEL JORDAN’S AND KOBE BRYANT’S NBA JERSEYS EXPECTED TO SELL FOR $10 MILLION A PIECE”
Sold to Harriet Gibbs, elderly Wisconsin heiress. Recently heard about hoops and feared looking dorky on the court.
"'WHAT IS THE CRIME THAT I COMMITTED? FORMER PHILIPPINE PRESIDENT REACTS TO BEING TAKEN INTO CUSTODY"
Mass murder, clear conscience. See The Autocrat's Manual of Self-Esteem.
"ELUSIVE CREATURE OF THE DEEP CAN LIVE FOR CENTURIES"
Yeah? And they found that out how, exactly?
“COULD YOU BE AN OLYMPIC GYMNAST? THIS A.I. JUDGE CAN TELL YOU”
And 99.9% of the time, the answer will be right.
“BRAIN IMPLANT CONVERTS THOUGHT TO SPEECH”
“I’ve got a teenager at home. You can do the opposite, right?”
“SOUTH CAROLINA TO BUILD ITS FIRST MONUMENT TO AN AFRICAN AMERICAN”
Plans must now be amended. Pentagon recruiting new enemy.
"ELON MUSK WANTS TO SAVE CIVILIZATION FROM EMPATHY”
Warns that feeling another's pain can escalate to sorrow and, taken to extremes, irrational giving. "I fell into that trap. And what do I have to show for it?”
“TRUMP OFFICIALS ACCIDENTALLY TEXT MILITARY STRIKE PLANS TO JOURNALIST”
Delay of 110 years attributed to unusually warm summers.
“THREE MEN ON TRIAL OVER $6 MILLION GOLD TOILET STOLEN IN AUDACIOUS RAID”
To allay suspicion, Manhattan gallery catalogues it as “Deluxe One-Person Sofa.”
"INDONESIAN TIKTOKER JAILED FOR BLASPHEMY FOR TELLING JESUS TO GET A HAIRCUT"
Giving advice to Jesus is one of the lesser blasphemies - and wouldn't even have been a blasphemy if he hadn’t suggested a pompadour.
"'YOU COULD SAY IT'S AN OBSESSION.' MAN SHOWS COLLECTION OF OVER FOUR MILLION BUTTERFLIES"
The obsession part is naming each one after a character in "Game of Thrones."
"HOW FAR COULD J.D. VANCE GO?"
Submit recommendations to Office of Senator Bernie Sanders by May 31, 2025.
"SOUTH DAKOTA GOVERNOR FACING LEGAL ACTION OVER VIDEO PRAISING HER DENTIST."
She admits that appearing without her dentures was dumb.
“NEW PLANET NAMED ENAIPOSHA IS UNLIKE ANYTHING IN OUR SOLAR SYSTEM"
Right, no other celestial body is a failed anagram.
"20 SPRING DRESSES THAT ARE SO FLATTERING YOU'LL NEVER WANT TO TAKE THEM OFF"
Suggestion: after a week, put that to a vote!
“A PASSENGER SAYS A UNITED PILOT FORCIBLY REMOVED HIM FROM AN AIRPLANE BATHROOM. NOW HE IS SUING”
"What was his problem? He yelled out ‘Hello’ when I knocked!"